my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
