If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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