I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
