remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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