I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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