Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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