ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
