Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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