I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
this just has baby written all over it
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
