Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.