I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
