I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
