i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
