I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
