I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
