You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
