he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
