areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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