So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
