So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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