i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
