Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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