I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
