after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
