found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
