Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
