I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I smell like Dick and happiness
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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