Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
