so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Vodka?
Forever.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
