Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
