he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
