Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
