oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
