Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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