life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am available for nakedness
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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