My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
