when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
