I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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