wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
