i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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