the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
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I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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