Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
