You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
