Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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