I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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