I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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