I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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