Im at strip club and am horny
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
