I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
