my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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