I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
