Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
