just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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