So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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