Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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