i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
