So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
